Judging

Well, there are days I sit and judge others. How they raise their kids, how they conduct their lives, what they eat, etc. I feel guilty and I catch myself. Today I was judged very critically by one of my co-workers, to my face and not a pleasant conversation.

As I have posted before, Brianna moved out to be with her boyfriend. She wants nothing to do with us, any of us. Not her sister, brothers, neice, nobody. We have completely cut her out of our lives at this time. It is called tough love. She is 18 yrs old and we do not agree with the lifestyle she has chosen. Scott and I both agreed that if she wanted to see what it is really like to have no family and noone to "come home to" when things get tough, then we would provide that scenerio for her. This included not going to her high school graduation. First off because she needs to understand the consequences of her actions and second because she didn't give us tickets to attend which means we would have to sit in the bleachers. Third, Scott would have blown a gasket and come completely unglued to see her skank boyfriend sitting in the seats that should have been reserved for her family.

So my coworker this morning asked if I went to graduation. She already knew the answer, her son graduated too. We live in a small town and she would have seen us if we had attended. When I answered no we did not attend, she got very angry and said some pretty nasty things. She even said "I don't care what church you go to, that is wrong." Uh, what does my church have to do with us attending her graduation. When I tried to explain our position, she absolutely refused to listen.

I sat here with tears of frustration in my eyes because I was being judged without the chance to explain myself and my actions. Hmmm, this is exaclty what I do when I have thoughts of judgement against others. They do not have the chance to explain their position on what I am judging. Well, gotta tell ya, it sucks being judged to my face. So I thought of emailing her to explain my point of view, but thought I would just let it lie. She would never understand. Of course I sat here and judged her in my mind. She lets her son drink and drive, and he even wrecked her husbands truck, flipped it in the ditch when he was drunk. She wouldn't let him go to the hospital because he had been drinking even though he was in excrutiating pain, but she didn't want him to get caught drinking and driving. She has a son who has attended a church that is run by some friends of ours. She has her boys both working at a bar. The younger one who attends church knows that the bar is not where he wants to be, but she makes him work there and won't let him attend church anymore because he sees that what his parents are sinning and it bothers him. See? Totally judging her for the way she raises her kids, just like she did to me.

I called in sick the last several days. I really was sick, but I didn't go to the Dr. or work out or do anything really constructive except clean out the fridge. Today I am tired and all I want to do is sleep. I have been reading a blog about weight loss and he is really inspiring me. I have gained back about 5 lbs and I really want to get this weight back off and get the scale moving down again. No more excuses, only results.

Well, back to the old grind stone. Maybe next time I will have more positive things to say. I am kinda using this blog as a rant blog instead of a weight loss blog. I need to get back to basics.

Ciao baby !!!

Back to the gym

Ok, I went back to the gym today. I only worked out once last week. Gas money was the biggest issue. I made the decision to not drive the extra 14 miles per day and got a grip on my eating and kept away from the diet caffeine soda. I had alot of headaches last week, but I was able to work thru them. I am so thankful to have the sleeping pills. Not many left and doc wont let me have anymore for a couple months. =(

I spent 30 mins on the eliptical and I was sweating like a pig by the time I was done. That gym is HOT. Its been cool outside and I don't think the owners realize (or care) that just because they are comfortable sitting in the office, doesn't mean we (those of us working out) are comfortable. I may say something this week. I don't mind sweating, but I know myself well enough that I will cut a workout short if I am too hot. I am trying to get my workouts longer. I have really been holding back. I know better, I need to put in an hour of workout. So from today forward its 30 mins, not 15 on the elipitcal and 30 mins of strength training. I only did 15 mins of strength today. I tanned the last 15 mins. 'Cause like my cousin Mark says "Fat looks better tan"....LOL love that line.

I made an appointment for Scott today. He looks horrible. I am not sure whats wrong, but he doesn't look right. His skin is sallow, his face is puffy and he has zero energy or focus. I am kinda shocked he agreed, but when he got home last night, he finally admitted all he wanted to do was sleep. I hope its nothing serious, but I am preparing for the worst. He could have lung cancer. He could have a blocked artery. He could have some sort of blood disorder, high blood pressure, or just be anemic. I think I will visit the doctor with him.

Well, I have had all my water for the day, a little high in calories, but over all a good day.

Ciao baby !!

Gettin' back in the groove

Woot another one bites the dust !! In the last month we have lost 3, count them 3, TBC reps. The newest one is Scotty too hotty or as Claire used to like to call him, Fatty McFlakey. Robin stepped into one of the full time positions, which leaves 2 full time and one part time position open. Woot !!!! Vincent has had a phone interview and an in person interview. Only 3 people have been interviewed, but I am guessing that we should know it less than 2 weeks if he got hired. Keeping Vincent lifted up in prayer to get this job. I know he would do a great job and he desperately needs this experience so he can support his family for the rest of his life. GAH !

Me, I'm starting to keep track of my eating again. Still trying to work out that whole evening drink *sigh* Even with the sleeping pills, I am not deterred. Grrrr !! I am well rested today, hopefully I can get some melatonin Tuesday as we are broke until then. I started back in my food journal on Choosing 2 Lose. I am also reading alot of blogspotters weight loss blogs. I am starting to get my motivation back. I quit drinking sodas again, and I feel alot better without all that caffiene in my system. No more heart palpations and sleeping is less interupted....except for Scott and his snoring. Having control of my caffeine is my first step and I feel sooo much better.

Wow !! What a few weeks can bring. Once again Brianna decided that it would be a good decision to move out because then she can do what she wants to do and be her own person. PFFFFT !!! She is clueless.

Her skank boyfriend cheated on her and broke up with her. Then that same night comes to her and says he is sorry and that he really loves her. PFFFFT !!! She actually believes that she can love him enough to change him. Her job is to make sure she does everything she can to make their relationship work and he doesn't have to put forth any effort as long as he says he loves her. She is really the one who was keeping them apart because she didn't want to hear us tell her "no", (which of course we would not have said). She is willing to give up her whole family for him, but he doesn't have to give up anything to be with her.

What a crock !! I taught her better than that. She has seen from personal experience with her bio mom and myself that men who cheat, always cheat. It breaks my heart to see her degrade herself. Well, you can only raise them, you can't live their lives for them. IT SUCKS !! Unfortunately, only God can bring her to her senses. Oh, and he will, mark my words. He will cut her down, chew her up and spit her out. She will be bloody and beaten down. Only then can God pick her up and show her the right path and mold her into the woman of God I know she can be.

Good Friday

Well the weather isn't so good, but today is not about the weather. I am looking forward to tonights service. I definately need some fellowship. Very sad week, Carol Heck died last Sunday. She was such an inspiration. The pain she endured and the cheerful outlook she still had after all of her issues, makes my pitiful uncomfortables seem like dust in the wind. I know she is whole, happy and with the Lord now. Keeping him company and getting started on her eternal work. God bless you Carol and keep Darryl safe.

Good news is that I have been really good about getting to the gym. At least 5 times a week, and am tanning like crazy. My belly and butt look gooood..lol. My arms are not tanning as fast as the rest of my body...kinda freaky since that is pretty much the only body part that I have tanned in the last 20 yrs. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, my weight officially was 242. So, still not down, but not going up at all.

I have not gotten control of my eating, but with the Lunesta, I am not drinking as much. There have been a few days, but for the most part I am just taking it at bedtime and going right to sleep. It is extremely expensive and with the fact that Scott stole a check and overspent again, I may not be able to afford it this month. Scott has received several calls from the lawyer, but State Farm is not wanting to cough up any extra cash. I advised Scott to start telling the lawyer the things that would let him know that we are willing to go to court because of all the mental trauma because the accident was so close to the date of his almost fatal accident 5 yrs ago and all the crap I have been getting at work since that accident. We really need that money soon, things are looking really bleak.

And here is to a better tomorrow. God Bless.

Fantastic Friday

Wow. Today is sunny and cool. Even better, the wicked witch is out today and I do not have to see her till Monday. Hopefully she is interviewing for a job and will quit next week. That would be my happy dream.

Well, I went to the fitness center last night. IT WAS PACKED. GAH !! I figured out the eliptical and a few of the machines. There was some creepy guy there with his kids, not really making an effort to work out, just kinda staring at everyone. Not liking that. The tanning booth was busy the whole time I was there, but thats ok, I tanned this morning. So last night was 15 mins on the eliptical, which is much more difficult than the one I am used to and I can feel the different muscles being used. So I am out of my comfort zone, but I know it will work. I did 2 reps on most of the machines. The tricep pushdown, I did not fit. Really? The seat moves up and diagonally, which makes the distance between the pad you lean on and the seat smaller. I hate manufacturers that don't take into account those of us who are overweight, and adjust their machines to fit everyone. Oh well, there are other ways to do my triceps.

This morning I went back, 15 mins on the eliptical and 5 minutes tanning. I have never been in a tanning bed before, so that was kinda fun. It was kinda warming, but I was nervous I would over do it. So far, no ill effects. *i did it in the nude* I read an article somewhere about 15 yrs ago that tanning can help with boosting metabolism during a weight loss program. I am already feeling healthier.

Well, gotta get back to work,

Ciao baby !!

I bit the bullet

I am a tad nervous now. I joined the new health club in New Haven. I feel so guilty. We are so broke, but here I am spending an extra $20 per month on this. I spent $75 to join. I get a month free tanning. Oh yea, I am doing that. Me and my big ole white butt..lol. So, the plan is to go tonight, but I may go in the morning instead. They even have a shower that I can use before I go to work....yeee haaaw !!! Back in the saddle again. The machines are better, there are more machines that I can actually use.

I am worth it

Ciao baby !!